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  “Can I ask you a question, sir?” Jeffrey turned the radio back down. The officer peered through his dark sunglasses and nodded.

  “Did you see that guy two blocks back? The gangbanger looking dude standing in the median?”

  The officer nodded. “I passed him when I was coming to pull you over.”

  “Yeah, ok. Do you know why that guy stands there? He stands there every day by the way.”

  The officer did not respond. He seemed unsure of where the conversation was going.

  Jeffrey continued. “Well, the reason he stands there is because he sells ecstasy. He’s the biggest ex dealer in the city.”

  The officer remained unmoving.

  “Now I don’t do drugs. But I know that he does sell them. Everyone I work with knows he sells them. And a lot of the people I associate with outside of work knows he sells them. I’m pretty sure almost the whole city knows that the thuggy looking dude on the median back there sells ex.”

  The officer began to shuffle a bit uncomfortably.

  Jeffrey started to fix his hair in the working rearview mirror. “What I can’t figure out is, if the whole population knows about the ecstasy dealer on the median back there, how in the world does the police department not know this?” He looked up at the officer, a very puzzled expression on his face.

  The officer continued to stare down at Jeffrey. “It’s not that simple. We are….aware of the suspect’s activities.”

  “Oh you are. That’s awesome. So are you going to arrest him right now? Cool, I’d like to just park and watch.”

  “Well, not right now.”

  “Not right now?” Jeffrey kept the puzzled expression on his face.

  The officer was trying to choose his words carefully. “Well, see, the evidence is not as apparent with this particular suspect’s activities.”

  “Not as apparent?”

  “No.”

  “Not as apparent as what?”

  “As….”

  “….as a driver’s side mirror?”

  The officer frowned at Jeffrey and then stalked away. “Just get the damn thing fixed, asshole.”

  Jeffrey snickered and pulled out of the parking lot.

  He spent the evening and most of the night at a small downtown bar called Guppies. He did not drink much before, but today was different. He wanted something to take the edge off today’s events. He was on his third rum and coke and second platter of chicken wings (his hunger was growing and growing it seemed).

  Jeffrey noticed the woman at the end of the bar watching him. He checked her out. Blonde, tall, really nice figure. She flashed him a smile. He nodded and returned his gaze to the television. He wiped his hands clean from the greasy wings.

  The woman sat down on the stool next to him.

  “Buy a girl a drink?” She smelled nice, like flowers. Up close she was even more attractive. Jeffrey looked up from his hands. He made a presentation of looking the woman over. Then he swallowed some of his drink.

  “You want to talk to me?” he asked the girl. She looked at him, surprised. “You walked over here. Sat right down next to me. So I’m guessing you want to talk to me.”

  She nodded. “Yeah, I guess I do want to talk to you.”

  “Then you should be the one buying me a damn drink.”

  She laughed and ordered him another.

  Later that night, in the darkness of the parking lot, she rode him in the backseat of his car. Sweating and heaving, he exploded in her. She shivered in the cool night air and he leaned his face into her large breasts.

  “I love you, Allison.”

  “What?” She laughed and pushed him away from her tits. “What did you just call me?”

  “What?” Jeffrey leaned against the rear seat and pinched one of her nipples. She laughed again.

  “You called me Allison.”

  “No I didn’t”

  “Yes, you did. I just heard you. Who’s Allison?”

  Jeffrey closed his eyes and sighed. “I didn’t say anything.”

  The blonde laughed and began to stroke him again. “It’s okay. You can call me whatever you want. Go ahead, call me Allison.”

  He pushed her off. “No. Get the fuck off.”

  “What the hell are you doing?” she yelled as he opened the car door.

  “Get the fuck out of here. It’s time for you to go.”

  He pushed her from the car, her naked breasts bouncing. “You fucking asshole. You can’t just kick me out right here.”

  Jeffrey got out and walked around to the driver’s side.

  “Watch me.”

  He got in and left her in the parking lot.

  VIII.

  The ticking had stopped but the sleeplessness was still present. The numbness from before had dissipated. Now it was replaced with a buzzing nervousness, and something else growling beneath the surface of the buzz. A shadow of some sort.

  Jeffrey sat on his couch and stared at the television. He replayed the day’s events in his mind. Was that really me? Did I do all those crazy things? Standing up to his bosses was one thing, but taking out Griffin in one punch? Busting up both Pierce and Ulee? He remembered all the blood.

  I should be in jail right now.

  He looked at his hands. The knuckles were busted open and scabbing over. He flexed the fingers and small bursts of pain spread through the hand. He had never bled like this before in his life, and had never caused anyone else to bleed like he had today.

  He kind of liked it.

  “Donovan is right. We are all animals,” he whispered into the night air.

  Jeffrey flicked through the channels. It was frustrating to see. A colored world of fake-titted celebrities, expensive desires, shallow problems, and bad news flowing outward into his living room every night.

  He got up from the couch and picked up the TV. Raising it above his head, he slammed it down with a huge crash to the floor. The screen shattered and the dancing images disappeared. Jeffrey turned and hit the wall over and over again with his fists until blood peppered the white paint.

  This is what is real. This is what it feels like to be alive. To be in control.

  The neighbor from downstairs began banging on the floor, yelling for Jeffrey to stop making noise.

  Jeffrey knelt on the carpet. He leaned forward and put his mouth as close to the floor as he could.

  “FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!” he screamed to the mystery assailant. The banging immediately stopped.

  He watched the sun rise from his seat at the small dinette set in his kitchen. By then he had made a decision to leave the city. He wanted to go out and find a path for this new person he had become.

  He began packing some clothes into a duffel bag. He grabbed his keys and headed out the door. He was going to the bank to close out his accounts. He would figure out how to get more money when those funds ran out.

  He threw his things in the trunk of the car and turned to get in. Ulee was walking towards him from the other side of the parking lot. He was holding a gun. Jeffrey leaned against the car and studied the man’s face. It was a mass of bruises and cuts. Ulee’s lips were super puffy and his nose was swollen immensely. When Ulee noticed Jeffrey watching him, he quickened his pace.

  Jeffrey walked to the front of the car and yanked one of the wiper blades off. He turned just as Ulee was upon him and raising the gun. Jeffrey brought the wiper blade down on the gunman’s wrist. The blade slapped hard across the skin and Ulee dropped the gun to the ground with a screech.

  Jeffrey hit Ulee in the stomach. Ulee wheezed and leaned against Jeffrey. Jeffrey took measure of the wounded man and hit him in his swollen nose. Ulee fell to the lot, his eyes watering over and fresh blood pouring from his poor nostrils.

  Jeffrey bent over and picked up the gun and the wiper blade. Then he began to rip the rubber blade off the wiper bracket. He ripped it all off completely and started tearing it into more manageable pieces. Then he bent over Ulee.

  He pressed the gun to Ulee’s templ
e. The man instantly froze, his eyes growing large.

  “Open your mouth.” Ulee complied and Jeffrey stuffed the first handful of wiper into the hole.

  “Start chewing.” Ulee began to weep as he chewed on the foul tasting rubber.

  “I’m leaving after today. You won’t have to eat any more of my really great car. Well, except for the rest of this wiper. I’m going to take your gun though. And we’ll call it even. Got it?” Ulee nodded furiously.

  Jeffrey was true to his word. Ulee ate the whole wiper.

  He drove to the bank. The gun was nestled in the glove compartment. Jeffrey had never fired a gun in his life. But he liked the feel of it in his hands. He wanted to fire it right now.

  After closing his accounts and stuffing the envelope full of money into his duffel bag, Jeffrey drove down to the Flying Rabbit, a small shooting range.

  “I just got this gun and want to learn everything about it,” he told the young guy behind the counter. “And then I want to fire it.”

  The young man showed Jeffrey everything about the firearm. He was a good teacher and Jeffrey was a good student.

  He was a good shot too.

  He stopped at an outdoor specialty shop and bought shells and cleaning supplies for the gun. Then he pulled out onto LaGrange Avenue. He would ride through the city one final time and then hit the interstate. He was thinking he would head to the west coast. Take in California. Get a job as an orange picker or something for a while.

  Jeffrey braked at a stoplight. There was a red Jeep stopped in front of him. A man sat behind the wheel and a woman on the passenger side. He could make out a baby seat in the back. A nice little family, he thought to himself. A brief image of his mother came to mind and he quickly pushed it away.

  The man in the jeep leaned over and slapped the woman in the face. Jeffrey froze. What the fuck? The man was saying something to her now, nodding his head and pointing his finger in her face. He slapped her again and then pushed her head against the door frame. Jeffrey looked around the intersection. They were the only two cars in sight.

  Jeffrey put the car in park and got out. He walked quickly up to the driver’s side of the jeep and opened the door. The driver was very young, younger than Jeffrey. He had long bushy brown hair and was smoking a cigarette. The woman was a young skinny brunette. She was crying softly and turned around trying to calm the little boy in the car seat.

  “What the hell you think you doing….” Jeffrey cut the man off by unlocking the seatbelt. He grabbed the driver by the hair and hauled him from the jeep. The young guy was too stunned to say anything.

  Jeffrey threw him against the vehicle. The girl started screaming from inside. The man was cursing Jeffrey to no end.

  “You like hitting defenseless women? You like beating people up? Why don’t you hit on me, fuckface?” Jeffrey slapped the driver. The man tried to push Jeffrey away but he held on tightly to the guy’s shirt. He punched a knee into the guy’s midsection.

  The driver was bent over gasping for breath, snot and spit dripping from his face. Jeffrey grabbed the man’s hand and leaned it against the door jam. He slammed the jeep door on the hand. There was a sickening crunch as all the fingers cracked under the pressure. The man screamed in agony and fell to the earth.

  Jeffrey proceeded to kick the guy over and over again. In the face, the stomach, the arms and legs. He rained blows down on the man’s prone body.

  “How does that fucking feel? Huh? Not too good does it.” He was livid. He couldn’t believe this person could treat someone he should love so badly. This guy had no clue what he had.

  Jeffrey kicked him again. Hands grabbed at his arm and he spun around to knock whoever it was down. It was the woman. She had run from the passenger side to stop him. She knelt over her spouse, crying and looking at Jeffrey accusingly through her bruised eyes.

  “Please, he’s had enough. Just leave us alone,” she screamed at Jeffrey. The baby inside the jeep continued to wail. Jeffrey gaped at the battered woman.

  He took a step towards her. She flinched backwards against the jeep.

  “Take care of your baby.”

  He walked away from the couple and got back into the car. He thumbed the radio up and peeled off.

  He never looked back.

  IX.

  Jeffrey pulled into a parking spot underneath a huge oak tree. He was at a small park near the city line. He had stopped before (after the jeep incident) and bought a pack of cigarettes. Since leaving the couple his hands began to shake and he wanted something to steady them with.

  He pulled a smoke from the pack of Dunhills and lit it. He had never smoked before but his father had partaken for close to thirty-five years before they died in the car crash two years ago. The smoke felt rough sliding down his lungs, but there was a comforting mellowness to it. His hands started to calm down and he could feel the shadow gliding deep into his stomach.

  God, what is wrong with me? I feel so crazy.

  He glanced around the park. Several children were playing on the playground as their mothers watched them from the wooden benches scattered everywhere. It was a beautiful day. He finished his cigarette and leaned quietly against the hood of the car.

  He remembered the night they had woken him in his dorm room. He had just completed his Design 101 midterm and was catching up on missed sleep. The knock jolted him from a deep slumber and he stumbled to answer it.

  There was a police officer and the hall’s resident advisor at the door. Jeffrey listened carefully as the officer told him about the accident. His parents were driving back from a dinner when a drunk driver ran a stoplight and T-boned their car in the intersection. His mother was killed instantly. His father was taken to the hospital but succumbed to his injuries during surgery.

  Jeffrey blinked his eyes over and over again as the R.A. informed him he would be excused from school for the rest of the semester. She had called the school counselor. They would come and help Jeffrey pack and try to get him back home as soon as possible. He had nodded and thanked them for their help.

  He sat on his bed, glancing at the last letter they had written him, the one that said they were so proud of him and knew he would be a great architect someday.

  A voice broke him from his memories.

  “Jeffrey.”

  He glanced up and held his breath.

  Allison was standing a few yards away. She was dressed in cutoffs and a tank top.

  He pulled another cigarette from his pack and lit it. “What are you doing here?”

  “Taking a walk in the park.” She came closer and now he could smell her. She smelled like spring and summer mixed. “I live near here.”

  “Why aren’t you at work?” He took a long drag and exhaled.

  “I quit.” She smiled. “Pretty much right after you did.” She sat next to him on the car. “That was crazy, by the way.” She looked at him but he couldn’t meet her eyes.

  “Sorry about Griffin,” he said.

  “Don’t be. After you left, he was whining to everybody about how you suckered him and how he could take you one on one any day. It was kind of sad in a way. I think he got knocked off his pedestal a bit.”

  Jeffrey looked back towards the playground.

  “You were right by the way.”

  “About what?”

  “He was an asshole. And he didn’t know how to treat me.”

  “Then why stay with him?” He looked at her now.

  Now she was the one who could not meet his gaze. “It’s just….sometimes things don’t turn out the way you think they will, you know?”

  He flicked the cigarette away. She leaned into him and rested her head on his shoulder.

  “No. I guess they don’t,” he said.

  X.

  They left the park and stopped at Allison’s apartment. Jeffrey had told her he was leaving.

  “I want to go too. I need a change of scenery,” she said. He nodded okay and they drove from her apartment out onto the interstate. The
re was an unspoken understanding between them now, a shift in their relationship.

  Later that night, they pulled into a motel. Allison hopped into the shower as Jeffrey stood in the dark, smoking and looking out the window at the neon signs glowing across the way.

  What is happening here? How is this going to end?

  “Who says it has too?” He did not realize he was speaking out loud and did not hear Allison shut off the shower. He turned and she stood naked in the bathroom doorway. She stepped from the lit bathroom into the darkness and touched his hand.

  “I feel like I’m going to explode,” he said into her ear. “I’ve done some bad things and I am afraid I’ll do more before it’s all over with.”

  “Shh,” she whispered. She kissed him softly and he rubbed her bare shoulders. “I don’t care what you’ve done. And don’t worry about the future. You are not alone anymore. Let’s just think about the right now.”

  So they did.

  Afterwards, lying in each other’s arms they smiled and laughed. Jeffrey felt the shadow retreat a bit deeper. Allison grabbed one of his cigarettes. The ember glowed brightly in the dark hotel room.

  “I didn’t know you smoked,” he said.

  “There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Jeffrey Walls.” She blew smoke into the dark room.

  “Well, here we are. Two unemployed people with hardly any money and any prospects.” Jeffrey scratched her back as she smoked. She continued: “What do you want to do? I mean besides heading out to the coast.”

  She looked at him in the darkness, could barely make out his features.

  Jeffrey was looking towards where his jacket sat on the chair. The gun was in one of the side pockets.

  “I want to rob banks,” he said quietly.

  Allison giggled and stubbed out her cigarette. She nestled down under the blankets and slid her arms around Jeffrey.

  “You’re kidding right?” She smiled in the dark.

  There was no answer.

  Jeffrey had fallen asleep.